If you have ever given feedback to a high-performing, deeply committed team member and watched them tense up, over-explain, go quiet, or spiral, you are not imagining it.

Perfectionists do not experience feedback the same way everyone else does.

And I know this not just as a leadership consultant and executive coach, but as a perfectionist myself.

What Feedback Looks Like vs. What Is Actually Happening

For most of my career, I looked like the ideal employee during feedback conversations.

I listened.
I nodded.
I asked clarifying questions.
I fixed the issue.

But internally, it was loud.

My brain immediately started assigning meaning:

• I disappointed them.
• They will not trust me anymore.
• I should have known better.

That is an amygdala hijack. The brain’s overzealous security guard treating feedback like a five-alarm fire. Logic leaves the building. Fear takes the mic.

When that happens, the nervous system is not focused on growth. It is focused on getting back to safety.

A Real-Life Example (Because I’m Practicing What I Teach)

My newsletter videos have never been polished, and they’re not meant to be. This one wasn’t different in quality or style. What was different is that it took me ten tries instead of one or two. Same level of real. Same approach. Just more internal resistance showing up as I worked through old perfectionist patterns in real time. Turns out, when you don’t let fear drive the process, your nervous system has a lot to say first. Growth isn’t always efficient, but it is honest. 😅

This is exactly what happens for perfectionists when feedback lands without the right structure.

The AIM Framework: How to Give Feedback That Actually Lands

Traditional feedback backfires with perfectionists because it skips emotional stabilization and goes straight to correction, which the brain experiences as threat.

That is why I teach leaders to use AIM: Acknowledge → Isolate → Move Forward.

Scenario

A high-performing, perfectionist team member is working on a deliverable during a fast-moving phase of change. The work is strong, but it stays in refinement mode too long. Decisions stall. Momentum slows.

1️⃣ Acknowledge

“Before we go any further, I want to acknowledge this. You care deeply about quality, accuracy, and getting things right. That attention to detail has served you and this team.”

2️⃣ Isolate

“What happened here is that the work stayed in refinement mode longer than the moment required and that delayed downstream project schedule deliverables.”

If justification starts:

“I am not focused on why yet, I promise we will come back to it. Let’s stay with what happened and the impact first.”

Impact:

“The impact was delayed momentum and slower decision-making during a time-sensitive phase, delaying future project deliverables, even though the work itself was strong.”

3️⃣ Move Forward

“What is one thing you will do differently next time when speed matters more than precision?”

“Next time, I will clarify upfront what ‘good enough’ looks like for this phase before refining.”

What Perfectionists May Experience During Feedback

When fear shows up, perfectionists are not being difficult. They are trying to get back to safety.

Here is what that can look like internally, and how it often shows up externally:

Defensiveness

Internal: “I need to protect myself here.”
External: Justifying decisions, explaining intent, pushing back quickly.

Deflection

Internal: “If I redirect this, it will feel safer.”
External: Shifting focus, bringing up unrelated issues, minimizing the feedback.

Mental Looping

Internal: “I can’t stop replaying this.”
External: Hesitation, reduced confidence, indirect reassurance-seeking.

Narrowing Focus

Internal: “If I control the details, I will be safe.”
External: Over-refining, difficulty zooming out.

Emotional Containment

Internal: “Do not react. Just get through this.”
External: Professional, agreeable, emotionally flat.

Bonus Tool: The Feedback Reset Tool

Mistake → Meaning → Adjustment

• What happened?
• What story am I telling myself?
• Is that story accurate?
• What will I do differently next time?

Leader boundary:
“If feedback lingers emotionally, use this tool instead of replaying the conversation.”

Final Thought

Perfectionists do not need less feedback.
They need better-structured feedback.

When you lead with emotional intelligence, you do not lower the bar.
You make it reachable without fear.