Your team felt it. You felt it. So why aren’t you talking about it?

I’ll never forget the moment a leader said to me, “I didn’t think it was a big deal… until my team turned it into one.”

But teams don’t make things “big.”
Silence does.

The space between when something happens and when we finally talk about it is where the story starts to evolve... sometimes slowly, sometimes rapidly, but almost always in a direction no one intended.

And here’s the part leaders often overlook:
Lag time goes both ways.

Sometimes you (the leader) saw something land poorly, but you told yourself, It’ll smooth over. No need to make it weird.
Other times, your team felt something shift — a comment, a decision, a missed moment — but they waited, unsure of how you’d respond.

By the time someone finally speaks up, you’re no longer solving the original moment.
You’re untangling the weeks of meaning layered on top.

According to Crucial Conversations, the health of a team can be measured by one simple indicator:

The lag time between when something happens and when people actually talk about it.

And as attorney and communication expert Jefferson Fisher teaches, the best way to start a hard conversation is by first giving the why, the end goal, and inviting buy-in. A simple framework, I call WEB.

But before we jump into the how, we need to talk about the pattern underneath the avoidance.

The Problem Isn’t the Conflict. It’s the Lag Time.

When something uncomfortable happens at work, most leaders instinctively try to protect harmony.

You think:

• I don’t want to make a big deal out of this.

• I’m sure they didn’t mean it.

• Let’s see if it resolves on its own.

• Now feels like a bad time.

• I don’t want to upset the team any further.

Those are understandable instincts.
They’re also the exact behaviors that unintentionally widen what I call the story gap — the space where assumptions grow when clarity is missing.

Here’s what happens inside that gap:

• The team fills silence with explanation.

• You fill silence with reassurance (“It’ll blow over.”)

• Both sides fill silence with stories that feel true but aren’t verified.

And the longer the gap grows, the louder the stories get.

Human brains hate open loops. When we don’t have the full picture, we make one up. This is simply emotional reasoning at work, something we emphasize heavily in emotional intelligence development. Our feelings become information, but without a conversation, they become conclusions.

Lag Time Has a Cost and It’s Higher Than You Think

Here’s what lag time quietly erodes:

1. Psychological Safety

If people don’t talk until something has festered, the team begins to assume that honesty is unsafe or unwelcome.

2. Trust in Leadership

When leaders don’t address what’s obvious, teams wonder what else leaders are avoiding.

3. Connection and Authenticity

Disconnection rarely begins with a dramatic event. It starts with small, unspoken moments that compound.

4. Momentum

Unresolved friction pulls attention, energy, and creativity away from actual work.

And finally, the truth.

By the time you talk, no one is discussing the real issue anymore.
You’re discussing the story about the issue.

This is why shortening lag time is not just a communication skill — it’s a leadership competency.

A Simple Way to Start Hard Conversations: The WEB Framework

Jefferson Fisher teaches that the best way to lower defensiveness at the start of a hard conversation is to begin with:

• The why
• The end goal
• Buy in

To make this instantly accessible for busy leaders, I call it WEB.

It’s not fancy. It’s not theoretical.
It’s simply a way to anchor yourself when your stomach tightens, and your instinct is to delay.

Here’s how it works:

W - Why we're talking

Anchors intention, reduces defensiveness, and shows the conversation is about alignment, not punishment.

“I want us to talk about this because I care about how we work together, and I don’t want small things to create tension down the line.”

E - End goal

Clarifies what “good” looks like.
It tells the other person, We’re moving toward something, not away from something.

“My goal is that we both walk away clearer and more aligned so this doesn’t become a distraction.”

B - Buy-in

Invites collaboration.
This shifts the conversation from a lecture to a dialogue.

“Are you open to talking through it together?”

Just those three pieces lower emotional tension, create shared purpose, and start the conversation on level ground.

It “sticks” because it’s simple.
And leaders under stress need simple.

Let’s Apply It to Real Situations

Scenario 1: You said something that didn’t land well

Instead of waiting until the discomfort fades (or grows), you begin:

W: “I want to check in about something I said in yesterday’s meeting. I care about keeping trust clear.”
E: “My end goal is to make sure my intention and the impact match.”
B: “Can we talk it through together?”

The story gap closes before it opens.

Scenario 2: A team member is showing disengaged behavior

Instead of letting weeks of assumptions pile up:

W: “I care about how you’re doing, and I want to make sure I’m not missing something.”
E: “My goal is to understand what you need to do your best work.”
B: “Are you open to exploring it together?”

You shorten the lag and open a door.

Scenario 3: The team is holding feedback until it explodes

Instead of waiting for the “big” conversation:

W: “I want us to have a rhythm of talking early, before things get heavy.”
E: “My goal is to build a team where hard things never sit in silence.”
B: “Are we aligned on making that a norm?”

This normalizes micro-conversations and reduces macro-conflicts.

Why Leaders Avoid These Conversations (and What EQ Has to Do With It)

Every leader has a version of this fear:

• What if I make it worse?

• What if I’m wrong?

• What if they think I’m overreacting?

• What if they get emotional?

• What if I can’t find the right words?

But here’s the truth:

Avoiding the conversation is the only guaranteed way to make it worse.

Emotional intelligence gives us the tools to pause, tune in, and approach with intention — a pattern built directly into the EQ Mastery Cycle (slow down, tune in, plan, implement).

When you use EQ + a simple framework like WEB, you don’t just communicate better.
You lead differently.

What Shorter Lag Times Do for Your Team

When leaders shorten the space between moment and conversation, everything shifts:

• Problems surface earlier and feel smaller.

• Feedback becomes a normal rhythm, not a tense event.

• Trust compounds faster.

• Team members mirror the behavior — they talk to each other sooner.

• The everyday emotional climate gets lighter, calmer, clearer.

And here’s the part leaders consistently tell me:

“It’s never as big once we start talking about it.”

Exactly.
Because it’s the silence that makes it big.

FAQ (Because Leaders Always Ask These)

1. What if the other person isn’t ready to talk?

Buy-in gives them choice.
Say: “No problem. When would be a better time?”
You’ve still shortened the lag time.

2. What if emotions come up?

That’s human.
Slowing down and tuning in (your EQ tools) helps you stay grounded.

3. What if I’m the one who caused the issue?

Own your impact, not just your intention.
Teams don’t need perfect leaders — they need connected ones.

4. How soon is “too soon” to address something?

If you’re wondering, it’s probably time.
Addressing something early is far easier than repairing it late.

5. How do I build a culture where people talk sooner?

Model it.
Normalize micro-conversations.
Praise early honesty.
Your behavior sets the standard.

The Bottom Line

Healthy teams don’t avoid hard conversations; they shorten the distance to them.

WEB gives you the simplest possible on-ramp.
EQ gives you the presence to navigate them well.
Your leadership gives your team permission to follow.

The moment something feels “off,” ask yourself:

Why aren’t we talking about this yet?

Then don’t wait.